Monday, February 19, 2007
Why is it that every time they do something wrong, I'm the one who gets lectured? I'm the one who gets told to 'not follow after their footsteps'; to 'not talk back'; to 'love your brothers and sisters'....i can almost compile a book of 'Junhua's Parents Preaches'. maybe thats why I've become the way i am, to turn a deaf ear to the things they say. one thing's for sure, things definitely aren't working out the way they want it to. in fact, its adverse effects are taking place.
i understand how they feel, every single one of them, i really do. coz I'm watching everything from a third person's point of view, like in a cinema. every quarrel is like a battle scene in a war show - exciting, spine-tingling, nerve-wrecking, heart-piercing. I've become so weathered to these kind of shows I've learnt to exclude myself from the emotional turmoil it brings. its quite easy actually. sometimes a patronizing smile or a pseudo-understanding sigh would do. i'm not being hypocritical here, just a sign of self-defense. if i were to open my heart to all these and let it all crash down on me in torrents, i doubt I'll be a sane person now.
but sometimes its not that easy to shield your fragile heart from the cruelties. especially when you naively think everything's calmed down. its like being trapped in the middle of a cyclone. you think you're safe when you're at the eye of the storm and you come out to play, but you never know when the rains would hit you again. its so unpredictable. in the midst of enjoying your reunion meal, you sense spiteful sparks at the corner of your eye thats ready to explode any minute. so much for (V) peace.
but i continue to eat in self-delusion.
i realize people switch alliance all the time. one moment you're taking sides with her, the next minute you may have switched to side him.
maybe that's why I'm such a confused little child. resulting in self-isolation this entire cny. i dare to say I've spoken less than 10 sentences to my relatives this whole period. o.O I've either been hiding in my little cosy corner listening to emo music on my headphones, or sleeping the day away. like how i slept 2 hrs straight at my grandma's house today. hah. but that was partly coz i was drunk. =/
i wonder if i'll still continue visiting my cousins and relatives next time when i'm older. even if i do, wld i have anything to say to them apart from 'happy new year!' ? =S
cny holds no meaning for me anymore.
*sorry for the emo post*
posted @ 9:24 PM